Beer-Guzzling Tot Disturbs Picnic; Passers-by ask 'Where were the parents?'

WEST VANCOUVER, July 21, 2007. A young lad, seen here "double-fisting" two beers, had to be escorted out of Ambleside Park Saturday after disturbing a peaceful Saturday picnic. The RCMP officer on the scene said "we believe alcohol was a factor in the youth's behavior". The parents weren't available for comment.

(photo courtesy smith-birke productions)

P.F.

Sausages bats cool off

MONTGOMERY PARK, July 12, 2007. The Sausages' bats went from hero to zero in Thursday's game against the Traders, until the fifth when they came alive to score four runs to make the game interesting. But the final score was an 11-5 loss to put the Sausages another game below .500.
Dirty Al, Volley and Sink led the way with 2, 3, and 3 hits respectively. Dirty Al has a new favourite bat. "I keep it in a climate-controlled, ozone-free, lubricated bath," muttered Al after coach Shoe tried to put his bat with the other bats. Dirty Al would have had a better game, but he was still distracted by his great poker wins recently. "I'm like a gambleaholic, but for booze," he said.
Volley had an extraordinary home run, pulling a monster shot over the left fielder's head. "After five years of trying I finally hit the ball over the fielder's head," said Volley in between cartwheels.
Amber had two great stops at second base, getting one of them out at first and saving a double on the other one.
Shoe pitched, but didn't have his 'A' stuff. Cereal tried to cheer him up by saying "good pitching... not really, I was just trying to build you up."
The fans were out in force on this warm evening, with Ewan leading the cheering on the sidelines. His favourite cheer was "mamamamama". And when asked if he wanted to go to the bar for a post-game drink, he said "mamamamama".

Dirty Al (stock photo)

Some of the other fans were asked for their highlights of the night. Here's what they said:
"When my big, hunky husband hit a home run." - Claudia
"Five is one of my [30] favourite numbers." - Daz (referring to the score, but also to the number of years Volley has gone without a home run)

Coach Shoe thought maybe some of the players could use a beer to blow off some steam after the game. "No, no, no, OK," said Volley.
"When I play ball like this I get so thirsty," said Daz.
At the bar, Sink had a bit too much to drink and spilled MIT's Strongbow, but MIT had another explanation. "I actually asked [hic] Sink to spill my drink..." she said, slurring her words.

Box score
Norm! 1/4
Dirty Al 2/4
Sink 3/4
Volley 3/4
T-Bag 1/4
Slashbunt 1/3
Cereal 0/3
Amber 2/3
Shoe 1/3

P.F.

Traders in for a shock

Sources tell this writer that the Traders are so scared of tonight's game agains the Sausages that they are busy short-selling their own stock!
Shoe said "it would give me no more pleasure than to email Blake with the score of Thursday's game and make snide remarks about how badly we beat them." Shoe was referring to the system of reporting scores where only the winning team need report the score. The irony being that Blake is not only the league records keeper, but also the captain of the Traders.
Game time is 6:30 at Montgomery West. Live entertainment during the seventh inning stretch will be provided by Kelly Clarkson, who will belt out a 12-minute verson of the Star Spangled Banner, sung to the tune of O Christmas Tree.
See you there, and bring your umbrella.

P.F.

Chowder Slammed by Sausages

MONTGOMERY PARK, July 5, 2007. The Sausages shrugged off a miserable June and got back to their winning ways with a decisive 24-13 victory over the Chowder in last night's action. After giving up a 10-6 lead to the Chowder through five, due to some sloppy defense and cold offense, the Sausages stormed back with 7 runs in the sixth and 11 in the seventh for the victory.
Volley pitched a complete game and had a great night at the plate, going 6 for 6. In the 7th, coach Shoe told him if he gives up two hits he's gonna be pulled, and he summarily sat down the side 1-2-3.
In an experimental tactic, Dirty Al and Norm! switched positions from right and centre field respectively. Norm! had a circus catch in the 5th which left him sore and a bit dazed, but OK to play another day.
Amber was called up from the minors to replace vacationing Sink, and had a solid day at the dish, going 3 for 4. When asked to comment on her first game as a Sausage, she said "I'm not good at these things."
Dirty Al had a booming home run in the 7th to cap off a 4 for 6 night at bat, to the delight of Julius, who promptly composed a song about "dad" on his guitar.
Hope had a number of smooth plays at shortstop and he too had a rocket of a home run in the 7th for his third hit of the night. His kids Shauna and Logan were jumping for joy on the sidelines as dad streaked home.
Not to be outdone, T-Bag had a nice hit in the 7th, which impressed the hell out of his son Ewan, who clapped and smiled politely.
"Overall we had a great game tonight. It was nice to see us get a win after some bad luck in June" said Shoe.

Box score:
Dirty Al 4/6
Norm! 4/6
Slashbunt 4/6
Volley 6/6
Shoe 5/6
DeedeeK 2/5
Hope 3/5
T-Bag 2/5
Amber 3/5

P.F.

Sausages glad June is over

VANCOUVER, June 28, 2007. The Sausages were only too happy to see the calendar flip from June to July, after a horrendous month of June in which they went 0-4. After a bye week May 31, they were tarred by the Glue June 7, mauled by the Hounds June 14, keelhauled by the Raiders June 21, and burnt to a crisp by the Bullies June 28.
As for my absence during the month, it may have had an effect on the morale of the team, and it seemed to have an effect on attendance at the games, but it was unavoidable. I was at an all-fly conference in Churchill, Manitoba (hosted by the black flies), and there was no internet connection in my hotel room. I could have deputised somebody to write the blog in my absence, but I didn't trust anyone to get the story right.
The scorebook was lacking in both stats and quotes to I was only able to gather the following on my return:
June 7 Savages: not very many, Glue: a lot
Game note: no scores kept in the scorebook at all, I can't even remember the game!

June 14 Savages: 1, Hounds: many
Game note: Hounds are undefeated so far this season.

June 21 Savages: 7, Raiders: more
Game note: Savages only had 7 players so defaulted.

June 28 Savages: 4, Bimini Bullies 10
Game note: 3 subs in the lineup for the Savages.

P.F.