Update to "Imaginary Fleas" Story

Re: Area couple rids house of imaginary fleas (August 7, 2007).
After our story was published, Shoe reported receiving some real bites, as did his wife Claudia. While there was no confirmation that the bites were indeed flea bites, Shoe came forward to say "I... was wrong. Claudia was... right." Shoe offered no other explanation or comment.

P.F.

Groom to be has trouble remembering parts of stag night

TSAWWASSEN and VANCOUVER, BC, August 18, 2007. Groom to be Greg "Steve" Cunningham has foggy memories of Saturday night festivities at The Keg Caesars and part of the night at Brandis Show Lounge are "a complete blackout". The atrocities began about 20 kilometres away and five hours earlier, in Twawwassen at a local paintball field, where about 18 grown men dressed up as greasy mechanics, complete with fake name patches, and pelted each other for four hours with gel-filled paintballs. In one of the games, "Steve" and his best man "Gilbert" were given a 5-second head start, after which all the other players summarily swarmed the two unfortunate runners with a barrage of paintballs, leaving little of their backs un-bruised. "Mendozaaaa!" was the cry that could be heard through the trees, as Mendoza, playing for team Blue gunned down the last of team Red in game one. The games began with deliberate, careful shooting, and ended with the constant percussive sound of machine-gun fire as the 4,000 odd paintballs were consumed.
Later at The Keg, the players showed off their welts (real and imaginary) and the drinking commenced. "Which wines come in Keg Size?" whispered Greg to the sommelier, whose face showed just a hint of a sneer, like the face of a waiter in a fine steak restaurant after a patron asks for steak sauce. "Never mind," continued Greg. "I'll just have whatever will give me a buzz the fastest." The sommelier snorted and walked off in a huff, returning with shooter after shooter of Jagermeister, B-52, tequila, and some nasty shit that looked horrible.
The crowd eventually made their way up to Brandi's, but not before going through the security theatre production at the foot of the elevator. Two surly, bossy bouncers checked ID, yelling things like "take it OUT of your wallet!", and passed a fake metal detector over everyone before granting them the ultimate honour of being allowed in the elevator. At the top of the elevator, more security theatre, as IDs were swiped, photos taken, and more surly bouncers gave mean glares at everybody. "No pictures," growled one of them to our photographer.
Greg was not shy, accepting graciously the invitations of well sculpted blondes to join them for a "dance", while the other party goers watched scantily clad ladies remove their clothes in a viewing circle. The shooters continued, and later in the evening, Greg was heard shouting deleriously "Global warming is real, and it is man-made." Greg does not remember much after that, other than "puking when I got home."
Greg's bride to be also had a party, a stagette, but no details were released.

P.F.

Vancouver City workers strike is a losing battle for the workers

VANCOUVER, BC, August 28, 2007. City of Vancouver workers are losing ground every day. If the strike is about money, and it seems that way, they are in a no-win position. Let's take a worker earning $50K annually. Their after-tax daily cost of going on strike is about $72/day (after accounting for strike pay). The strike is into its 40th day, so they have "paid" about $2,888 in order to get their much-deserved raise. But how much will their raise be in real dollars? The City's offer is roughly 18.8% over 5 years. Even though the other municipalities have settled for that deal, let's say the Vancouver workers get greedy and demand 22.2% over five (a lofty goal indeed). The difference between the two offers, on an after-tax basis, is only $1,203 over 5 years, and it has cost them $2,888 to get that. My financial expert friends tell me that isn't a very good return on investment. That's not mentioning the union dues they will pay over that five year period, which will equate to roughly $3,570 after tax, for a total cost of $6,460 to make $1,203. None of this is discounted to present value, but that would only make the deal worse for the workers. Nor does it take into account the fact that they probably will get less than 22.2%, which makes this whole effort even more fruitless for them. No matter how I look at it, this strike seems like a disastrous losing effort for CUPE local 15. Granted, this analysis doesn't take into account the union's other reasons for striking, such as job security, safety, etc., so it's not the whole story. But how much is job security worth, when you have to pay an average of over $1,000 per year for it? Especially when the city's unemployment rate is low and other jobs are relatively easy to find. My advice to the union workers is to take the City's offer and stop bleeding themselves dry with this masochistic strike.

P.F.

Area couple rids home of imaginary fleas

VANCOUVER, BC. An east Vancouver couple has spent a full day and part of an evening ridding their home of imaginary fleas. "We've Boraxed all the floors, and the carpets, dry cleaned the furniture slipcovers, and sprayed all the shoes with flea killer," said the husband, who calls himself Shoe. "There isn't a place for imaginary fleas to hide that we didn't clean," he added, wiping a white-gloved finger across the top of a baseboard.
The imaginary fleas infested the house almost a month ago, after Shoe brought them in after working in the yard. "Imaginary fleas live in the dirt, and we were landscaping so there were piles of dirt -- perfect for fleas," said Shoe, making a sweeping motion with his hand across the back yard. "I must have tracked them inside somehow and the got into everything." Shoe was referring to the way imaginary fleas jump from safe places of refuge to spread across hard wooden floors, up into beds, onto curtains, even into empty plastic tubs.
"We haven't actually seen the imaginary fleas yet," said Shoe's wife Claudia. "But we've both been bitten," she said, scratching herself all over just at the thought of it. "I'm more attractive to imaginary fleas than Shoe is," she added, while wiping benadryl on her leg.
"I did get some bites when I worked out in the yard," said Shoe. "But for the past two weeks I haven't had a single bite, even though all our shoes, furniture, and clothes are infested with imaginary fleas AND their thousands of eggs." Shoe was referring to the well known habit of imaginary fleas to lay eggs in every shoe on the shoe rack and then abandon the shoes without so much as one bite to the wearer.
Recently, after watering and weeding in the yard, Claudia got some bites, which itched "painfully and endlessly", and prompted the full household cleaning to rid the house of imaginary fleas once and for all. "We racked up a $150 dry cleaning bill getting the curtains, decorative pillow cases, and slipcovers cleaned," said Shoe, frowning. "But it's worth it... you know how bad imaginary fleas can be"
"At first I didn't agree with the plan to purge the house of imaginary fleas," said Shoe. "I asked Claudia 'how come I have been living in the same house as you, sitting in the same chairs, wearing shoes from the same rack, sleeping in the same bed, and I haven't gotten a single bite in two weeks?' But in the end I saw how great it would be to get rid of the imaginary fleas."
A drawing of an imaginary flea (siphonaptera imago), at 100,000X magnification, is shown (RIGHT). The Vancouver mental health bureau has advised residents to use caution around imaginary fleas, as their bites have been known to cause neuroses in lab mice.

P.F.

Sausages rally late for win in season finale

MONTGOMERY PARK, August 9, 2007. The Sausages showed their 'no-lose' attitude in last night's game, overcoming an 8-5 fifth-inning deficit to defeat the Slam Chowder 15-10 in MHR action. Acting on a hunch, coach Shoe let five year old Shauna create the starting lineup, which included such oddities as Redd hitting cleanup, T-Bag playing first and Slashbunt catching. The Sausages picked up veteran Clutch in a last minute free agent signing and he rushed back from his Philippines vacation home to be with the team in Vancouver. Clutch showed no sign of the jitters after his long hiatus, going 3 for 4 at the plate. In the field he had no balls.
Injuries continue to plague the team, as Norm! continues to play at less than 100% with a recurring injury that the coaches would only describe as "a lower body injury." DeedeeK also complained of hamstring troubles, but refused to be pulled from the game. "It'll be a cold day in hell before you drag my ass off this field," shouted DeedeeK, not realizing that the game had been over for about half an hour by then.
Slashbunt had a fine debut in the catcher position, looking like a natural behind the plate. "I'm OK with the helmet and the chest protector," said Slashbunt, "but these shin pads are too long!" The diminutive Slashbunt was referring to her oversized shin pads which almost reached her armpits. Slashbunt was nominated to catch as Volley had a personal emergency and could not make the game, and T-Bag forgot his cup AGAIN. The team's media relations person would not comment on Volley's whereabouts, but one source told us he was in back in rehab.
Box score:
Shoe 4/5
Hope 3/4
DeedeeK 1/4
Redd 1/4
Dirty Al 3/4
T-Bag 3/4
Clutch 3/4
Slashbunt 2/4
Norm! 3/4

P.F.

Area man receives novelty T-Shirt for birthday

VANCOUVER, BC. A local 44-year old man, known only as "Daz", has received a novelty T-shirt with his own picture on it as a birthday gift last Thursday. At a celebratory mid-week dinner, the green cotton-polyester shirt, which depicts Daz guzzling beer out of a pitcher, was presented to him. "I'm never going to [take this off]," said Daz, holding up the machine-washable T-Shirt for the table to see. He was later photographed guzzling a pint of pale ale while the T-shirt was being held up beside him, thereby creating a surreal picture within a picture (right).
One unnamed source close to the party said, "If I can get hold of that picture within a picture I have an idea for his next birthday gift shirt." Another source added, "Yeah, that way when I'm desperate to think of a last minute gift because I forgot his birthday I'll have something to fall back on, to go with the card I'm going to buy him next year on my way to the party and sign in the car outside the restaurant."
At the "informal, last minute" birthday dinner, one guest, who for anonymity's sake shall be referred to as Masako S.... no, wait, that's too obvious. Let's call her "M. Saito". Anyway, she brought a gift, but also proudly showed the group the underwear she had purchased for her husband, who was at home looking after their three young children.

P.F.

Sausages announce team fundraiser

VANCOUVER, BC. The Sausages have announced that their annual team fundraiser will consist of a complex system whereby each player performs a useful task in exchange for money, usually under some kind of employment agreement with a company. The money is then taxed heavily by the government, and the remainder will be used to pay the player's basic expenses, plus some luxuries, like beer, and at least $50 of it will go to the team fund.
This new concept replaces some of the more traditional sports team fundraisers, such as the one where the team does something completely useless like running around Central Park for 24 hours for pledges, or the one where the team sells tickets to a bowling night, or the one where the team sells chicken and other wholesale meats, or cookie dough. Studies have shown that these traditional fundraisers result in something called a "team fundraiser continuous loop". The loop forms when everyone who buys meat then comes calling for the next few years every time THEY have meat or raffle tickets or whatever to sell, in a never-ending cycle that really only benefits the meat sellers.
"We decided against the raffle idea because we found out that it costs us more than we get out of it," said coach Shoe. "By the time we pay the cost of the prizes, plus the cost of running all over the city selling tickets, each player was barely breaking even. Plus, the prize was going to be beer, and we kept drinking all the beer."
The team is considering having an additional fundraiser where they play a marathon weekend of softball, sometimes called a "tournament", and each player chips in the cost of the entry to the tournament. The fundraiser will be on August 25, and 26, 2007 at Gordon Park. Come on people, open up your wallets for this good cause!

P.F.

Sausages chafed by Dirty White Sox

CHINA CREEK PARK, Vancouver, July 26, 2007. The fans, had there been any, would have gotten their money's worth on Thursday night as the Sausages went toe to toe with the Dirty White Sox at fabled China Creek Park. The final score was 9-7 Sox. "We played well, and they played well," said coach Shoe after the game. He then found a dirty white sock lying by the backstop and threw it at the Sox bench. "I thought it was the ball," said Shoe. Luckily it didn't reach the bench, but just fluttered and landed just past home plate. The Sox didn't even notice it. "If there had been a large rock or stone in the toe of that sock they would have noticed it," said Shoe.
After the game, some of the team went to the Cedar Cottage for a beer. They get to go into the "VIP room" there, being baseball stars and all. A game of Buzztime trivia ensued and Dirty Al squeaked out a win over Shoe and Volley, thereby avenging last week's defeat to Shoe.

Box score:
Norm! 1/4
Dirty Al 1/4
A-Sink 2/4
Volley 2/2
Hope 2/2
Shoe 1/4
Slashbunt 1/4
Cereal 2/3
T-Ball 2/3
Redd 1/3

P.F.

Shirtsacles melted by spicy hot Sausages

MONTGOMERY PARK, Vancouver, July 19, 2007. The Sausages rolled over the Shirtacles like a sausage roll dripping onto a freshly ironed... shirt. The hapless Shirtsacles, winners of only two games all season, were clearly outmatched by the surging lips-and-asshole-tubed-ones, losing 10-6 to the Sausages. "The score was very flattering to the Shirts," said Shoe.
"This one was never in doubt," said Hope while dusting off his beautiful aluminum bat.
It was the first game in a long time where the Sausages had all regulars in the lineup. The only regular not there was T-Bag who had the audacity to travel to some god-forsaken desert on a game week. Volley hurled a complete game, and got some support from his defense as well as the offense.

Box score:
Dirty Al 3/4
Norm! 3/4
A-Sink 2/4
Hope 2/4
Cereal 2/4
Slashbunt 0/4
Shoe 3/4
DeedeeK 3/4
Volley 3/4

P.F.