Sausages announce team fundraiser

VANCOUVER, BC. The Sausages have announced that their annual team fundraiser will consist of a complex system whereby each player performs a useful task in exchange for money, usually under some kind of employment agreement with a company. The money is then taxed heavily by the government, and the remainder will be used to pay the player's basic expenses, plus some luxuries, like beer, and at least $50 of it will go to the team fund.
This new concept replaces some of the more traditional sports team fundraisers, such as the one where the team does something completely useless like running around Central Park for 24 hours for pledges, or the one where the team sells tickets to a bowling night, or the one where the team sells chicken and other wholesale meats, or cookie dough. Studies have shown that these traditional fundraisers result in something called a "team fundraiser continuous loop". The loop forms when everyone who buys meat then comes calling for the next few years every time THEY have meat or raffle tickets or whatever to sell, in a never-ending cycle that really only benefits the meat sellers.
"We decided against the raffle idea because we found out that it costs us more than we get out of it," said coach Shoe. "By the time we pay the cost of the prizes, plus the cost of running all over the city selling tickets, each player was barely breaking even. Plus, the prize was going to be beer, and we kept drinking all the beer."
The team is considering having an additional fundraiser where they play a marathon weekend of softball, sometimes called a "tournament", and each player chips in the cost of the entry to the tournament. The fundraiser will be on August 25, and 26, 2007 at Gordon Park. Come on people, open up your wallets for this good cause!

P.F.