In pictures - What are our wine tastings being reduced to?

Here's a link to a web album.

P.F.

Particularly bad wine mars local wine competition

VANCOUVER, BC, October 6, 2007. A neighbourhood's celebration of wine and friendship was nearly ruined when one guest brought a wine so foul tasting it interfered with the proper tasting of the other wines. "I don't know who brought wine number two," said co-host Rob. "But I noticed Daz was particularly complimentary about it all night, and this one score of 8.5 out of ten seems to be in his handwriting."
"I quite like number two," said Daz nervously, before gulping down a large wedge of brie cheese. But word soon spread among the amateur wine tasters to avoid the infamous number two, and it ended up receiving the lowest overall score since the inception of wine tasting competition in 1957.
"After taking out the best and worst scores, we averaged all the wine scores, and number two ended up with a 2.7," said Rob showing off his sophisticated Excel tracking spreadsheet.
The winning wine was Rolf Binder-Hales' Barossa Valley Shiraz from Australia, brought by Cathy, which scored an average 8.6.
Full results are listed below.
P.F.

Person	Region	Type	Wine	Drop Low and High	Best Comment (or two)
Sooz	Argentina	Shiraz	Funky Llama	7.9	"Could use more fruit, but tasty"
Daz	BC	Grapes	La Wunderbar Mansell	2.7	"Crap", "An abhorrent wine", "Red… I think"
T-Bag and MIT	Italy	Ripasso	Folonari Valpolicella Classico	7.9	"Smokey with an oak finish", "Peppery finish"
Andrew L	BC	Cab Merlot	Hester Creek	6.1	"Light, hint of raspberry, sweet"
Rob and Veronica	Australia	Shiraz	Hugo McLaren Vale	8.4	"Well balanced, sophisticated, classic"
Kae and Jason	Chile	Cab Sauv	Aresti Estate Selection	6.6	"Nice, fully bodied, could cellar a couple more years"
Dirty Al	Australia	Shiraz	Buller Black Dog Creek	7.9	"Still a little young (like Tomoki)"
Smitty and Julia	Argentina	Cab Sauv	Pascual Toso Reserve	7.9	"Mild and spicy"
Shoe	Chile	Cab Sauv	Mapu	7.8	"Dry, good nose, hint of lilac, slightly gay"
Rob and Masako	Australia	Shiraz	Briar Ridge Signature Release	7.1	"Not bad, can't really remember"
Harumi N	BC	Gamay+PN+Merlot	Rigamarole	7.8	"Strong hint of grapefruit", "uncommon, lightish"
Cunny	Australia	Shiraz	Wyndham Estate Bin 555	7.7	"Nice oak flavour. I don't like oak."
Greg and Annie	Italy	Nero d'Avola	Nero d'Avola - Zonin	7.1	"I would love to cook with this wine"
Eduardo and Angela	Spain		Altos De La Hoya *	6.7	"Rich, chocolate hints"
Nancy	Italy	Barbera	Barbera D'Asti - Vendemmia - Ricossa	8.0	"Dry and smooth"
Clair	S Africa	Shiraz	DeWaal	7.4	"Big, complex, leathery like John's bottom"
John	BC	Pinot Noir	Cedar Creek Estate Select	6.3	"Full of taste and pisazz", "no comment"
Wendy (John's friend)	Italy		Rosso Piceno - Vendemmia - DeAngelis	7.3	"I can't believe it's not butter", "Full body!"
Cathy	Australia	Shiraz	Rolf Binder - Hales - Barossa Valley	8.6	"Smooth like a baby's bottom", "My new fave!"
Myrla	New Zeal	Merlot	Hawkes Bay - Oyster Bay	8.1	"Bittersweet romantic slap!", "MAGNIFIQUE"
Wendy K	Portugal		Reserva 2001 Douro	7.0	"Good fruit complex"
Yumi	France	Grenache / Syrah	Louis Bernard - Cotes-du-Rhone	8.2	"Liquid poetry! Spank me!", "My mouth feels funny."

Local man 'worships' Canadian beer

VANCOUVER, BC. A local beer connoisseur has built a shrine to Molson Canadian on his new deck. The man, known only as Shoe, explained “I never told [my wife] Claudia this, but the whole reason I wanted to build the deck was so I could build a Canadian shrine on it,” he said, motioning toward the pile of beer cans in the corner of the deck. "The shrine consists of many of the Canadian memorabilia I collected from 18-bottle cases, 15-can summer paks, and 24-can fridge paks [of the cold, fermented malt beverage]."
“I've received a number of Canadian-themed birthday gifts over the years, like this solid chocolate bottle of Canadian,” said Shoe, noting that the chocolate was a constant temptation for his wife.
One sad note for Shoe was that he was not able to save his Bubba mini-keg of Canadian, a novelty item promoted by Molson in 2004-05, from being unwittingly recycled shortly after the promotion ended. “I couldn’t replace the mini-keg, but I do have this shirt-shaped bottle cozy,” said Shoe. He remembers the early days of his Canadian collecting when friends would just give him an ordinary can of beer, sometimes wrapped untidily in "girlish" wrapping paper, for his birthday. “I was overwhelmed at their thoughtfulness, but usually ended up so drunk those nights that I didn’t have the sense to save the cans,” lamented Shoe, referring to the special ‘gift cans’, which closely resembled ordinary cans. Shoe indicated he has had a number of ‘lost evenings’ and lost cans as a result of drinking the cold, refreshing lager which has an easy drinking taste. "Maybe it's the 220 years of brewing experience and easy drinking taste of this stuff, but I can't seem to resist it," he said while wiping his hands on his Canadian bar towel.
Once his reputation for collecting "Canadian-ware" spread, friends started giving him things like stolen Canadian coasters, and Canadian T-shirts and duffel bags they got for free in some barroom promotion. “Once I got a large 750 millilitre can as a party gift from a friend,” said Shoe, who works as a junior accountant during the day. “But, since Claudia and I moved in together a lot of my 'Canadian-abilia' has disappeared, so I don't know where it is now, it could be anywhere.”
MolsonCoors, the maker of Canadian, disavowed all knowledge of the shrine. “Mr. Shoe does not, and has never, worked for MolsonCoors as far as we know,” said a spokesperson.

Shoe may not have been paid by Molson, but he sounded like a walking commercial for the cold-filtered nectar made with choicest hops and finest barley. “I used to crack open the Canadian only on special occasions, like weddings and new year’s eve, but I realized some years ago that it’s clear, crisp taste can be enjoyed any time of year and in any environment,” said Shoe, while popping the top off a third ice-cold, frosty bottle of Canadian since the interview started.

The shrine did not make everyone happy, though. One neighbour, not recognizing the shrine, did complain about the monstrous pile of cans on the deck. After being told it's a shrine, he said "That's not a shrine, it's a dirty pile of cans!"
It's not clear yet whether the shrine represents the start of a backyard trend, or just one person's pile of cans. For Shoe, it's a life's work.

P.F.

Greg & Annie's Wedding

Here is a web album, with captions.
My favourite lines from the speeches:
"But this night isn't about me. So I'm going to tell you about my relationship with Greg." - MC Brian
"I'm so glad to have found someone who has so many great qualities which complement mine." - Greg
"Servers... commence the serving..." - MC Brian

Full pictorial details on the web album.

P.F.

Snausages Snawsomes

This has nothing to do with the Sausages, but it does have to do with Snausages. Check out this link. Especially the section on what constitutes "beef". I have decided to stop eating these as my mid-morning snack, effective immediately.

P.F.

Update to "Imaginary Fleas" Story

Re: Area couple rids house of imaginary fleas (August 7, 2007).
After our story was published, Shoe reported receiving some real bites, as did his wife Claudia. While there was no confirmation that the bites were indeed flea bites, Shoe came forward to say "I... was wrong. Claudia was... right." Shoe offered no other explanation or comment.

P.F.

Groom to be has trouble remembering parts of stag night

TSAWWASSEN and VANCOUVER, BC, August 18, 2007. Groom to be Greg "Steve" Cunningham has foggy memories of Saturday night festivities at The Keg Caesars and part of the night at Brandis Show Lounge are "a complete blackout". The atrocities began about 20 kilometres away and five hours earlier, in Twawwassen at a local paintball field, where about 18 grown men dressed up as greasy mechanics, complete with fake name patches, and pelted each other for four hours with gel-filled paintballs. In one of the games, "Steve" and his best man "Gilbert" were given a 5-second head start, after which all the other players summarily swarmed the two unfortunate runners with a barrage of paintballs, leaving little of their backs un-bruised. "Mendozaaaa!" was the cry that could be heard through the trees, as Mendoza, playing for team Blue gunned down the last of team Red in game one. The games began with deliberate, careful shooting, and ended with the constant percussive sound of machine-gun fire as the 4,000 odd paintballs were consumed.
Later at The Keg, the players showed off their welts (real and imaginary) and the drinking commenced. "Which wines come in Keg Size?" whispered Greg to the sommelier, whose face showed just a hint of a sneer, like the face of a waiter in a fine steak restaurant after a patron asks for steak sauce. "Never mind," continued Greg. "I'll just have whatever will give me a buzz the fastest." The sommelier snorted and walked off in a huff, returning with shooter after shooter of Jagermeister, B-52, tequila, and some nasty shit that looked horrible.
The crowd eventually made their way up to Brandi's, but not before going through the security theatre production at the foot of the elevator. Two surly, bossy bouncers checked ID, yelling things like "take it OUT of your wallet!", and passed a fake metal detector over everyone before granting them the ultimate honour of being allowed in the elevator. At the top of the elevator, more security theatre, as IDs were swiped, photos taken, and more surly bouncers gave mean glares at everybody. "No pictures," growled one of them to our photographer.
Greg was not shy, accepting graciously the invitations of well sculpted blondes to join them for a "dance", while the other party goers watched scantily clad ladies remove their clothes in a viewing circle. The shooters continued, and later in the evening, Greg was heard shouting deleriously "Global warming is real, and it is man-made." Greg does not remember much after that, other than "puking when I got home."
Greg's bride to be also had a party, a stagette, but no details were released.

P.F.

Vancouver City workers strike is a losing battle for the workers

VANCOUVER, BC, August 28, 2007. City of Vancouver workers are losing ground every day. If the strike is about money, and it seems that way, they are in a no-win position. Let's take a worker earning $50K annually. Their after-tax daily cost of going on strike is about $72/day (after accounting for strike pay). The strike is into its 40th day, so they have "paid" about $2,888 in order to get their much-deserved raise. But how much will their raise be in real dollars? The City's offer is roughly 18.8% over 5 years. Even though the other municipalities have settled for that deal, let's say the Vancouver workers get greedy and demand 22.2% over five (a lofty goal indeed). The difference between the two offers, on an after-tax basis, is only $1,203 over 5 years, and it has cost them $2,888 to get that. My financial expert friends tell me that isn't a very good return on investment. That's not mentioning the union dues they will pay over that five year period, which will equate to roughly $3,570 after tax, for a total cost of $6,460 to make $1,203. None of this is discounted to present value, but that would only make the deal worse for the workers. Nor does it take into account the fact that they probably will get less than 22.2%, which makes this whole effort even more fruitless for them. No matter how I look at it, this strike seems like a disastrous losing effort for CUPE local 15. Granted, this analysis doesn't take into account the union's other reasons for striking, such as job security, safety, etc., so it's not the whole story. But how much is job security worth, when you have to pay an average of over $1,000 per year for it? Especially when the city's unemployment rate is low and other jobs are relatively easy to find. My advice to the union workers is to take the City's offer and stop bleeding themselves dry with this masochistic strike.

P.F.

Area couple rids home of imaginary fleas

VANCOUVER, BC. An east Vancouver couple has spent a full day and part of an evening ridding their home of imaginary fleas. "We've Boraxed all the floors, and the carpets, dry cleaned the furniture slipcovers, and sprayed all the shoes with flea killer," said the husband, who calls himself Shoe. "There isn't a place for imaginary fleas to hide that we didn't clean," he added, wiping a white-gloved finger across the top of a baseboard.
The imaginary fleas infested the house almost a month ago, after Shoe brought them in after working in the yard. "Imaginary fleas live in the dirt, and we were landscaping so there were piles of dirt -- perfect for fleas," said Shoe, making a sweeping motion with his hand across the back yard. "I must have tracked them inside somehow and the got into everything." Shoe was referring to the way imaginary fleas jump from safe places of refuge to spread across hard wooden floors, up into beds, onto curtains, even into empty plastic tubs.
"We haven't actually seen the imaginary fleas yet," said Shoe's wife Claudia. "But we've both been bitten," she said, scratching herself all over just at the thought of it. "I'm more attractive to imaginary fleas than Shoe is," she added, while wiping benadryl on her leg.
"I did get some bites when I worked out in the yard," said Shoe. "But for the past two weeks I haven't had a single bite, even though all our shoes, furniture, and clothes are infested with imaginary fleas AND their thousands of eggs." Shoe was referring to the well known habit of imaginary fleas to lay eggs in every shoe on the shoe rack and then abandon the shoes without so much as one bite to the wearer.
Recently, after watering and weeding in the yard, Claudia got some bites, which itched "painfully and endlessly", and prompted the full household cleaning to rid the house of imaginary fleas once and for all. "We racked up a $150 dry cleaning bill getting the curtains, decorative pillow cases, and slipcovers cleaned," said Shoe, frowning. "But it's worth it... you know how bad imaginary fleas can be"
"At first I didn't agree with the plan to purge the house of imaginary fleas," said Shoe. "I asked Claudia 'how come I have been living in the same house as you, sitting in the same chairs, wearing shoes from the same rack, sleeping in the same bed, and I haven't gotten a single bite in two weeks?' But in the end I saw how great it would be to get rid of the imaginary fleas."
A drawing of an imaginary flea (siphonaptera imago), at 100,000X magnification, is shown (RIGHT). The Vancouver mental health bureau has advised residents to use caution around imaginary fleas, as their bites have been known to cause neuroses in lab mice.

P.F.

Sausages rally late for win in season finale

MONTGOMERY PARK, August 9, 2007. The Sausages showed their 'no-lose' attitude in last night's game, overcoming an 8-5 fifth-inning deficit to defeat the Slam Chowder 15-10 in MHR action. Acting on a hunch, coach Shoe let five year old Shauna create the starting lineup, which included such oddities as Redd hitting cleanup, T-Bag playing first and Slashbunt catching. The Sausages picked up veteran Clutch in a last minute free agent signing and he rushed back from his Philippines vacation home to be with the team in Vancouver. Clutch showed no sign of the jitters after his long hiatus, going 3 for 4 at the plate. In the field he had no balls.
Injuries continue to plague the team, as Norm! continues to play at less than 100% with a recurring injury that the coaches would only describe as "a lower body injury." DeedeeK also complained of hamstring troubles, but refused to be pulled from the game. "It'll be a cold day in hell before you drag my ass off this field," shouted DeedeeK, not realizing that the game had been over for about half an hour by then.
Slashbunt had a fine debut in the catcher position, looking like a natural behind the plate. "I'm OK with the helmet and the chest protector," said Slashbunt, "but these shin pads are too long!" The diminutive Slashbunt was referring to her oversized shin pads which almost reached her armpits. Slashbunt was nominated to catch as Volley had a personal emergency and could not make the game, and T-Bag forgot his cup AGAIN. The team's media relations person would not comment on Volley's whereabouts, but one source told us he was in back in rehab.
Box score:
Shoe 4/5
Hope 3/4
DeedeeK 1/4
Redd 1/4
Dirty Al 3/4
T-Bag 3/4
Clutch 3/4
Slashbunt 2/4
Norm! 3/4

P.F.

Area man receives novelty T-Shirt for birthday

VANCOUVER, BC. A local 44-year old man, known only as "Daz", has received a novelty T-shirt with his own picture on it as a birthday gift last Thursday. At a celebratory mid-week dinner, the green cotton-polyester shirt, which depicts Daz guzzling beer out of a pitcher, was presented to him. "I'm never going to [take this off]," said Daz, holding up the machine-washable T-Shirt for the table to see. He was later photographed guzzling a pint of pale ale while the T-shirt was being held up beside him, thereby creating a surreal picture within a picture (right).
One unnamed source close to the party said, "If I can get hold of that picture within a picture I have an idea for his next birthday gift shirt." Another source added, "Yeah, that way when I'm desperate to think of a last minute gift because I forgot his birthday I'll have something to fall back on, to go with the card I'm going to buy him next year on my way to the party and sign in the car outside the restaurant."
At the "informal, last minute" birthday dinner, one guest, who for anonymity's sake shall be referred to as Masako S.... no, wait, that's too obvious. Let's call her "M. Saito". Anyway, she brought a gift, but also proudly showed the group the underwear she had purchased for her husband, who was at home looking after their three young children.

P.F.

Sausages announce team fundraiser

VANCOUVER, BC. The Sausages have announced that their annual team fundraiser will consist of a complex system whereby each player performs a useful task in exchange for money, usually under some kind of employment agreement with a company. The money is then taxed heavily by the government, and the remainder will be used to pay the player's basic expenses, plus some luxuries, like beer, and at least $50 of it will go to the team fund.
This new concept replaces some of the more traditional sports team fundraisers, such as the one where the team does something completely useless like running around Central Park for 24 hours for pledges, or the one where the team sells tickets to a bowling night, or the one where the team sells chicken and other wholesale meats, or cookie dough. Studies have shown that these traditional fundraisers result in something called a "team fundraiser continuous loop". The loop forms when everyone who buys meat then comes calling for the next few years every time THEY have meat or raffle tickets or whatever to sell, in a never-ending cycle that really only benefits the meat sellers.
"We decided against the raffle idea because we found out that it costs us more than we get out of it," said coach Shoe. "By the time we pay the cost of the prizes, plus the cost of running all over the city selling tickets, each player was barely breaking even. Plus, the prize was going to be beer, and we kept drinking all the beer."
The team is considering having an additional fundraiser where they play a marathon weekend of softball, sometimes called a "tournament", and each player chips in the cost of the entry to the tournament. The fundraiser will be on August 25, and 26, 2007 at Gordon Park. Come on people, open up your wallets for this good cause!

P.F.

Sausages chafed by Dirty White Sox

CHINA CREEK PARK, Vancouver, July 26, 2007. The fans, had there been any, would have gotten their money's worth on Thursday night as the Sausages went toe to toe with the Dirty White Sox at fabled China Creek Park. The final score was 9-7 Sox. "We played well, and they played well," said coach Shoe after the game. He then found a dirty white sock lying by the backstop and threw it at the Sox bench. "I thought it was the ball," said Shoe. Luckily it didn't reach the bench, but just fluttered and landed just past home plate. The Sox didn't even notice it. "If there had been a large rock or stone in the toe of that sock they would have noticed it," said Shoe.
After the game, some of the team went to the Cedar Cottage for a beer. They get to go into the "VIP room" there, being baseball stars and all. A game of Buzztime trivia ensued and Dirty Al squeaked out a win over Shoe and Volley, thereby avenging last week's defeat to Shoe.

Box score:
Norm! 1/4
Dirty Al 1/4
A-Sink 2/4
Volley 2/2
Hope 2/2
Shoe 1/4
Slashbunt 1/4
Cereal 2/3
T-Ball 2/3
Redd 1/3

P.F.

Shirtsacles melted by spicy hot Sausages

MONTGOMERY PARK, Vancouver, July 19, 2007. The Sausages rolled over the Shirtacles like a sausage roll dripping onto a freshly ironed... shirt. The hapless Shirtsacles, winners of only two games all season, were clearly outmatched by the surging lips-and-asshole-tubed-ones, losing 10-6 to the Sausages. "The score was very flattering to the Shirts," said Shoe.
"This one was never in doubt," said Hope while dusting off his beautiful aluminum bat.
It was the first game in a long time where the Sausages had all regulars in the lineup. The only regular not there was T-Bag who had the audacity to travel to some god-forsaken desert on a game week. Volley hurled a complete game, and got some support from his defense as well as the offense.

Box score:
Dirty Al 3/4
Norm! 3/4
A-Sink 2/4
Hope 2/4
Cereal 2/4
Slashbunt 0/4
Shoe 3/4
DeedeeK 3/4
Volley 3/4

P.F.

Beer-Guzzling Tot Disturbs Picnic; Passers-by ask 'Where were the parents?'

WEST VANCOUVER, July 21, 2007. A young lad, seen here "double-fisting" two beers, had to be escorted out of Ambleside Park Saturday after disturbing a peaceful Saturday picnic. The RCMP officer on the scene said "we believe alcohol was a factor in the youth's behavior". The parents weren't available for comment.

(photo courtesy smith-birke productions)

P.F.

Sausages bats cool off

MONTGOMERY PARK, July 12, 2007. The Sausages' bats went from hero to zero in Thursday's game against the Traders, until the fifth when they came alive to score four runs to make the game interesting. But the final score was an 11-5 loss to put the Sausages another game below .500.
Dirty Al, Volley and Sink led the way with 2, 3, and 3 hits respectively. Dirty Al has a new favourite bat. "I keep it in a climate-controlled, ozone-free, lubricated bath," muttered Al after coach Shoe tried to put his bat with the other bats. Dirty Al would have had a better game, but he was still distracted by his great poker wins recently. "I'm like a gambleaholic, but for booze," he said.
Volley had an extraordinary home run, pulling a monster shot over the left fielder's head. "After five years of trying I finally hit the ball over the fielder's head," said Volley in between cartwheels.
Amber had two great stops at second base, getting one of them out at first and saving a double on the other one.
Shoe pitched, but didn't have his 'A' stuff. Cereal tried to cheer him up by saying "good pitching... not really, I was just trying to build you up."
The fans were out in force on this warm evening, with Ewan leading the cheering on the sidelines. His favourite cheer was "mamamamama". And when asked if he wanted to go to the bar for a post-game drink, he said "mamamamama".

Dirty Al (stock photo)

Some of the other fans were asked for their highlights of the night. Here's what they said:
"When my big, hunky husband hit a home run." - Claudia
"Five is one of my [30] favourite numbers." - Daz (referring to the score, but also to the number of years Volley has gone without a home run)

Coach Shoe thought maybe some of the players could use a beer to blow off some steam after the game. "No, no, no, OK," said Volley.
"When I play ball like this I get so thirsty," said Daz.
At the bar, Sink had a bit too much to drink and spilled MIT's Strongbow, but MIT had another explanation. "I actually asked [hic] Sink to spill my drink..." she said, slurring her words.

Box score
Norm! 1/4
Dirty Al 2/4
Sink 3/4
Volley 3/4
T-Bag 1/4
Slashbunt 1/3
Cereal 0/3
Amber 2/3
Shoe 1/3

P.F.

Traders in for a shock

Sources tell this writer that the Traders are so scared of tonight's game agains the Sausages that they are busy short-selling their own stock!
Shoe said "it would give me no more pleasure than to email Blake with the score of Thursday's game and make snide remarks about how badly we beat them." Shoe was referring to the system of reporting scores where only the winning team need report the score. The irony being that Blake is not only the league records keeper, but also the captain of the Traders.
Game time is 6:30 at Montgomery West. Live entertainment during the seventh inning stretch will be provided by Kelly Clarkson, who will belt out a 12-minute verson of the Star Spangled Banner, sung to the tune of O Christmas Tree.
See you there, and bring your umbrella.

P.F.

Chowder Slammed by Sausages

MONTGOMERY PARK, July 5, 2007. The Sausages shrugged off a miserable June and got back to their winning ways with a decisive 24-13 victory over the Chowder in last night's action. After giving up a 10-6 lead to the Chowder through five, due to some sloppy defense and cold offense, the Sausages stormed back with 7 runs in the sixth and 11 in the seventh for the victory.
Volley pitched a complete game and had a great night at the plate, going 6 for 6. In the 7th, coach Shoe told him if he gives up two hits he's gonna be pulled, and he summarily sat down the side 1-2-3.
In an experimental tactic, Dirty Al and Norm! switched positions from right and centre field respectively. Norm! had a circus catch in the 5th which left him sore and a bit dazed, but OK to play another day.
Amber was called up from the minors to replace vacationing Sink, and had a solid day at the dish, going 3 for 4. When asked to comment on her first game as a Sausage, she said "I'm not good at these things."
Dirty Al had a booming home run in the 7th to cap off a 4 for 6 night at bat, to the delight of Julius, who promptly composed a song about "dad" on his guitar.
Hope had a number of smooth plays at shortstop and he too had a rocket of a home run in the 7th for his third hit of the night. His kids Shauna and Logan were jumping for joy on the sidelines as dad streaked home.
Not to be outdone, T-Bag had a nice hit in the 7th, which impressed the hell out of his son Ewan, who clapped and smiled politely.
"Overall we had a great game tonight. It was nice to see us get a win after some bad luck in June" said Shoe.

Box score:
Dirty Al 4/6
Norm! 4/6
Slashbunt 4/6
Volley 6/6
Shoe 5/6
DeedeeK 2/5
Hope 3/5
T-Bag 2/5
Amber 3/5

P.F.

Sausages glad June is over

VANCOUVER, June 28, 2007. The Sausages were only too happy to see the calendar flip from June to July, after a horrendous month of June in which they went 0-4. After a bye week May 31, they were tarred by the Glue June 7, mauled by the Hounds June 14, keelhauled by the Raiders June 21, and burnt to a crisp by the Bullies June 28.
As for my absence during the month, it may have had an effect on the morale of the team, and it seemed to have an effect on attendance at the games, but it was unavoidable. I was at an all-fly conference in Churchill, Manitoba (hosted by the black flies), and there was no internet connection in my hotel room. I could have deputised somebody to write the blog in my absence, but I didn't trust anyone to get the story right.
The scorebook was lacking in both stats and quotes to I was only able to gather the following on my return:
June 7 Savages: not very many, Glue: a lot
Game note: no scores kept in the scorebook at all, I can't even remember the game!

June 14 Savages: 1, Hounds: many
Game note: Hounds are undefeated so far this season.

June 21 Savages: 7, Raiders: more
Game note: Savages only had 7 players so defaulted.

June 28 Savages: 4, Bimini Bullies 10
Game note: 3 subs in the lineup for the Savages.

P.F.

Slashbunt delivers in Sausage victory over "Dirty" Sox

MONTGOMERY PARK, May 24, 2007. The Sausages managed a come from behind victory to win a barnburner 15-14 over the Dirty White Sox Thursday night. Slashbunt had a day, going five for five at the plate and scoring the tying run in the seventh.
Despite being short two regular starters, the Sausages had one of their better games overall. The Sox are a power hitting team and play a testosterone-laced style, which may have rubbed off on DeedeeK, who, after being hit in the head by a thrown ball shouted "I don't need a sub; I wanna play!"
Volley had a solid start, but Shoe picked up the win after first giving up the lead he inherited. Norm! had two clutch hits and scored the winner, possibly spurred on by the presence of his weasel (and team mascot) Pepita. Actually, there were a number of mascots in attendance, including these racing sausages all the way from Milwaukee (right).

T-Ball got moved to the top of the order, and it seemed to work, as he scored four runs for the smoked, cured ones. "No wonder I'm so tired, I scored, like, a hundred runs," said T-Ball after the game. Later he went home and made himself a big pot of organic herbal tea using his tea ball.
The Sausages thank Ashlee, Paul and Angela M for filling in on short notice. Particularly Paul who got the game-winning RBI on a strikeout! The catcher dropped the ball and on the throw to first Norm! came sprinting home. Angela provided the most humorous moment when in a moment of panic she unexpectedly flipped a fielded ball not to first, not to second, not to third, where there were runners, but to the shortstop position where the closest fielder was probably Dirty Al in left field. Luckily she had a sense of humour about it and everyone had a good laugh.
There's a bye this Thursday, but the team may be practicing at a secret location.

Box score:
T-Ball 4/5
Volley 1/5
Slashbunt 5/5
Norm! 2/5
Dirty Al 2/5
DeedeeK 2/5
Paul 4/5
Shoe 4/4
Ashlee 0/3
Angela M 0/1

P.F.

Sausages Lick Shirtsicles

MONTGOMERY PARK, May 18, 2007. Some days it all seems to click. The Sausages snapped a one-game losing streak against the Shirtsicles Thursday night, defeating the Hawaiian-patterned ones 20-5 in front of a half-full bleacher of fans. The membraneous meat tubes scored two in the first, three in the second and five in the fourth to leave no doubt by mid-game who was going to win. The fans started heading for the exits by the middle of the sixth inning.
Shoe got his first start of the year, but it was all offence on this night as the Sausages racked up 27 "hits" against two Shirtsicle hurlers.
Norm! had his best game at the plate this year, going 5/6, and SetterMan in the leadoff spot also went 5/6 and scored 4 runs in the crushing.
The entire team was ordered not to talk to reporters, so no quotes were available at press time.
Next game is Thursday at Montgomery West, where the Sausages will host the White Sox.

Box score:
SetterMan 5/6
Norm! 5/6
Sink 3/6
Shoe 4/5
Dirty Al 3/5
Slashbunt 1/5
T-Ball 3/5
Volley 3/5
DeedeeK 0/1
Myrla 0/4

p.f.

Sausages Home Opener

CHINA CREEK PARK, May 10, 2007. The Sausages home opener almost didn't even happen as two of the Sausages were placed on the 7-day disabled list prior to gametime and the call-ups from the farm team in Syracuse missed their flight. But luckily Angie M (A-Mac) and Satoshi (Flash), in his triumphant return, saved the day.
There was an air of excitement at fabled China Creek Park, and the Sausages faced the Traders on the first sunny game night of the year. The smell of fresh-cut grass and cherry blossoms signalled the beginning of summer. Also, some of the Traders were drunk.
Volley shook off rumours of retirement and stormed onto the mound for a complete game start, holding the Traders within striking distance, backed up by stellar defence by the Flash, new recruit A-Mac, and the rest of the Sausage D. A-Mac had an outstanding grab at the second base position.
It was a tough early-season game for the smoked, cured ones. "I felt like I ran about a third of a kilometre tonight," wheezed Norm.
"[Even though we lost] I have to say I was pretty pleased with the way the game went," said Volley.
On the sticks, Flash was 5 for 5, and the girls really led the way, each getting two hits on the night.
On the "disabled" list were Dirty Al and Setter Man, although this reporter speculates that they missed the team bus and were benched by coach Shoe for insubordination. Indeed, fans of Dirty Al saw him sunning himself in balmy L.A., and Setter Man was seen playing a silly game where the ball gets lobbed 12 feet in the air and you try to hit it.

Box score:
Flash 5/5
Norm! 2/5
DeedeeK 2/5
T-Ball 3/5
Shoe 4/5
Sink 2/4
Slashbunt 2/4
Volley 3/4
A-Mac 2/4


P.F.

Phil Fly Stag Ends in Drunkenness

Vancouver, BC, March 24, 2007. The Ramada Inn, including its Yagger's Pub, and Brandi's Show Lounge unwittingly played host to a drunken party punctuated by foul language, obscene gestures, and gambling. It was rumoured that a Canada Customs officer was "partying and hanging around" with this gang which was composed entirely of males. The Ramada Inn's media representative would neither confirm nor deny the rumours. "We respect the privacy of our guests, otherwise how would we get big name stars to stay in our hotels and wreck the place?" said an unnamed spokesbellboy.

After binge-drinking in a room at the hotel, the group took over a back room of Yagger's and ousted a women's martini-drinkers association meeting. An unlicensed poker room was set up and the drinking continued. The atrocities didn't end there. The unruly crowd of thugs then poured out onto Pender Street and began roaming the streets in search of lewd and lascivious women. They found such women at an establishment called Brandi's.


The group's members had names like "Dirty Al", "Hambone", "Smitty", "Cereal", "Daz" and "Meat". Two of the blackguards, "Gungus", and "E-Mac" were the big poker winners, each claiming several thousand dollars in winnings.

After the group was "asked to leave" Brandi's, they continued their rampage, taking over a table at the Tsui Hang Village restaurant and remarking about the breasts of the woman at the next table.

The group finally disbanded for the night, and Hambone, Cereal, Butler, Smitty, Cunny, Dirty Al, Gungus, Kubla, Daz, E-Mac, Andy, G-Cunn, Grute, Rude, Perrs, Paulie, Meat, Rampee, and this reporter went home at 4AM. It should be added that this reporter was fucking hammered and may not remember every detail.

PF