Tales from "Le House de Pent"

VANCOUVER, September 9, 2006. It was Skoal who first coined the phrase "Le House de Pent", even though some others thought it should be "La Maison de Pent". But on a night that started out with pulled pork and finished with a browse through assorted inflatable "poker opponents", there was no mistaking the wholesome love that was in the air. "Dammit, I brought my wedding ring [and I live on 8th Avenue]," said an anonymous participant in the stag party. The party was in honour of Darren M______ (hereafter known as "Stagg Man" after his love for chili), who is getting married soon.
The atrocities began at Dix (pronounced "Dicks"), where brown pops were the order of the day. Skoal spilled the first beer of the night and then tried to lick it up off the table and the nearby jacket that had been soaked by it.
"They have something called a pulled pork salad," exclaimed King-T. "There's something fundamentally wrong about that." Not missing a chance to bring sausages to the forefront, Dirty Al ordered a Louisiana hot sausage for dinner.
The conversation began light, with Stagg Man relating the story of his Uncle Walt, who Stagg Man apparently shaves on a regularl basis, and his ongoing battle against "young punk drivers who drive around with their seats reclined like they're in a lawn chair, talking on the cell phone, not signalling their turns, and almost running me over. They give my ass heartburn." In another story, Stagg Man shows the involuntary reaction of Uncle Walt when Stagg Man shaved off Walt's ear.
The conversation got more philosophical and people got more gooned. "Lisa Simpson is black," said an obviously drunk Stagg Man.
"I don't see any philosophy courses on the Mynah Leagues," added Dirty Al, also obviously drunk and unable to follow the topic. "And another thing, I'll never renounce my droits morales!" Apparently Dirty Al signed away his droits morales in his last contract and yet he still receives $234 in royalties from the French each month. Nobody can figure that one out. But then that's typical of the French.
"No pain, no pain," chimed in Mashed Potatoes Ron. Also obviously drunk.
On the theme of shaving, Chris was complaining that he can't get a "clean close" shave with his Razr phone. He was later seen holding a brontosaurus rib in a way that should not be seen on childrens' television.
After Dix, the party moved out into the street. "Let's take a moment to recognize... that we're gooned," said Skoal solemnly. It should be noted that smokeless tobacco may contain carcinogens of the lips.
Once the crowd reached Le House de Pent, there was a buzz in the air, possibly from the neon sign over the entrance.

The action was hot and heavy inside, but no photos were allowed. When the first stripper got on stage, Stagg Man said "I like her haircut."
"Everyone's wearing teal," muttered Dirty Al, one of the more fashion conscious members of the group. "I'm going to get up there myself if this keeps up."
One member of the crowd was not so concerned with haircuts and outfits. "Show us your beaver!" shouted King-T.

Stagg Man disappeared for quite a while at one point, only to reappear just as the group was leaving. The photo to the left was obtained by a concerned citizen.
The crowd was boistrous and wandered down Granville Street, yelling obscenities, until they finally ended up in a store that sells inflatable poker opponents with words on the box such as "My very large, luscious breasts will make you feel better. -- Nurse Casey" It was assumed that the items were translated from Chinese incorrectly and should have read "I want to play poker with you."
Shortly after leaving that store, the group of males met up with a group of females who seemed to know the males. "Most stags come together at the strip bar," observed Meat. "It would have been cheaper if we just [skipped the strip bar] and got the ladies to strip."
At that point the party broke up and everyone went home.